Comedy Central
'Comedy Central Rob Lowe Roast'
A roundup of the most scathing digs from the Comedy Central special.
The Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe aired Monday night, with many of the previously reported digs — at both roastee Rob Lowe and roaster Ann Coulter — making it to air.The special, which was taped on Aug. 27 in Los Angeles,
gathered a slew of celebrities to rip on Lowe over his acting career, perfectly good looks and infamous past liaisons and sex tape — while his family, wife Sheryl Berkoff and sons Matthew, 22, and John Owen, 20, sat in the audience.
Coulter, however, found herself to be recipient of the night's most scathing jabs. The conservative political commentator was frequently panned to throughout the roast, showing viewers of the Comedy Central special just how unamused she was by her fellow roasters.
Roasters included Jimmy Carr, Coulter, Pete Davidson, Nikki Glaser, Jewel, Ralph Macchio, Peyton Manning, Rob Riggle and Jeff Ross, with David Spade served as Roast Master.
Below, a roundup of some of the most shocking jokes of the night, in the order they were delivered.
75 Most Shocking Jokes:
"That’s right: we’re here to honor one of the biggest stars of 1987, with some of the biggest stars of 1984." — David Spade
"I drove over with him. I gave him 5 stars." — Spade on Macchio
"Many of you know Rob from Parks & Rec, some of you know him from The West Wing, a couple people know him from Grinder — and if you swiped right, you met him in person 10 minutes later." — Spade
"For years Rob Lowe had a sex addiction. He cured it by getting less famous." — Spade
"I was at a casting meeting for Tommy Boy when I came across your headshot, and I do mean came across." — Spade on Lowe
"It's not easy being Rob. He said being so handsome made it difficult for him to find meaningful roles. I wanted to ask Brad Pitt about that, but he was too busy acting in meaningful roles." — Spade
"Our younger audience might now know who Rob Lowe is. So kids, this is who your mom thinks about when she’s f—ing your dad." — Spade
"Some of you may know Rob from the West Wing. Rob, I assume your pal Charlie Sheen helped you out with that. He’s used to working with aids." — Spade
"Rob was in Austin Powers 16 years ago. Can you believe it’s 16? Or as he calls it, 18." — Spade
"He was excited to meet the cat Mr Bigglesworth since it had been a while since he had made a movie with a hairless cat." — Spade on Lowe in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
"Rob has been sober 26 years. To put that in perspective. If sobriety was a baby, he would have f—ed it 10 years ago." — Spade
"Rob has been called the comeback kid. No I read that wrong. Rob has come on a kid. Glad we got that out of the way." — Spade
"Is Pete white? Is he black? Ann Coulter needs to know so she can decide if she hates him." — Spade
"Ann Coulter, if you’re here who’s scaring the crows away from our crops?" — Pete Davidson
"Last year we had Martha Stewart who sells sheets, and now we have Ann Coulter who cuts eye holes in them." — Davidson
"Rob Lowe, or as gonorrhea patients call him: Patient zero." — Davidson
"People call Rob Lowe a bad actor, but that’s because they never saw him tell his wife he didn’t f— that nanny." — Davidson
"The only thing shorter than David Spade is Jewel’s greatest hits album." — Rob Riggle
"Holy shit, is that Ann Coulter? Ann Coulter is here, which can mean only one thing: someone must’ve said her name three times. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice." — Riggle
"Rob, in both your sex tapes you appeared with two other people — good God, you can’t even carry a sex tape." — Riggle
"Fun fact: Ann Coulter has a big angry bush. No joke, that’s just a fun fact." — Riggle
"Rob, you’re a good friend and a good man and I can’t wait to see what failed pilot we’re going to do next year." — Riggle
"As a feminist, I can’t support everything that’s being said up here tonight. But as somebody who hates Ann Coulter, I'm delighted." — Jewel
"You all know his assistant tried to kill him. I guess the stress of answering the phone twice finally got to him." — Jewel on Spade
"David Spade has slept with some of the most beautiful women in Hollywood. Proving just how ugly show business makes women feel." — Jewel
"Who doesn’t love Ralph Macchio? Bill collectors. And actual karate masters. And real actors. Italians. You know: people." — Jewel
"You look like every dad who can’t handle having a gay son." — Jewel on Riggle
"Peyton Manning is here because Eli is still out there making his dad proud." — Jewel
"Jeff Ross is going to party like it’s 1999. Ann Coulter is going to vote like It’s 1899." — Jewel
"Ann you do look great though, you’re almost as thin as Donald Trump’s chance at winning the election." — Jewel
"She ordered something to go. The entire kitchen staff. She was like leave ... the country." — Jewel on being behind Coulter in line at Chipotle
"Gay men love Ann Coutler. It’s because two minutes into hearing her speak, they remember why they hate pussy." — Jewel
"Rob you are such a whore / you completely forgot we hooked up before. You showed me your penis / when I was just 16-ish. Back in 1988 / I was the girl on your sex tape. Maybe you missed my name / because you were high on so much cocaine. Out of all your films / I'm the best thing you were ever in." — Jewel to the tune of "You Were Meant For Me"
"One of the most repugnant, hateful hatchet bitches alive, but it’s not too late to change, Ann – you could kill yourself." — Jimmy Carr
"Ann Coulter’s pussy — seriously this gets classy — Ann Coulter's pussy is now so old and dry that it just got a job drawing cartoons for The New Yorker." — Carr
"Ralph Macchio was at the very top of the list, and that list was marked: Worst case scenario." — Carr
"My friends back home aren’t going to believe it when I tell them that they let me roast Charlie Sheen’s brother’s best friend." — Carr
"I’ll never forget Peyton’s career. Sadly, he will." — Spade
"David Spade is dumb and short." — Peyton Manning to the tune of his Nationwide jingle
"I’m not the only athlete up here tonight. As you all know earlier this year, Ann Coulter won the Kentucky Derby. Congrats on that Ann. Great job." — Manning
"I know you guys use different words [in England]. Here in America, Jimmy Carr means: we couldn’t get Russell Brand." — Manning
"The only thing you’ve been consistently on is Twitter, which is surprising because you’re never been able to master one character, let alone 140." — Manning on Lowe
"You tried to take the air of my retirement so fast, you can probably get a job as Tom Brady’s ball boy." — Manning on Lowe
"Jewel is here. Or as I call her: Trailer Swift." — NIkki Glaser
"Your teeth are like the Spice Girls. They’re all different colors and doing their own thing." — Glaser on Jewel
"You’re like the Tom Brady of being in commercials. Like, the greatest." — Glaser on Manning
"Ann Coulter has written 11 books. Twelve if you count Mein Kampf." — Glaser
"The only person you will ever make happy is the Mexican who digs your grave." — Glaser on Coulter
"Don’t be mad. At least I acknowledge the Holocaust, Ann doesn’t even think it happened." — Glaser
"Rob defies age ... restrictions." — Glaser
"You look like you’re sculpted. You put the statue in statutory rape." — Glaser on Lowe
"God I had such a crush on you when I was little girl. If only I had known that’s when I had my best shot." — Glaser on Lowe
"They say you f— a 16-year-old and they’re like: Hm, he looks like he can work in the White House." — Ralph Macchio on Lowe in The West Wing
"She seems stiff and conservative, but she gets wild in the sheets. Just ask the clan." — Spade on Ann Coulter
"I haven’t seen you laugh this hard since Trayvon Martin got shot." — Spade on Coulter
"I want to welcome you all to the Ann Coulter roast with Rob Lowe." — Ann Coulter
"We have comedian Jimmy Carr with us because of Obama’s lax immigration policy." — Coulter
"You look like John Stamos' sister." — Jeff Ross on Lowe
"Rob Lowe. Or as the girl in the sex tape said: Rob, no!" — Ross
"I just got Peyton Manning's new book. It's called: Football Good, Fire Bad." — Ross
"Ann what happened? You wrote 11 books but you couldn't write a single f—ing joke?" — Ross
"How do I roast somebody from hell?" — Ross on Coulter
"Rob's secret to keeping his face looking so young? Having women sit on it." — Spade
"Black Lives Matter. Not enough to have a black person on the dais, but trust me. They matter." — Rob Lowe
"SNL just released David Spade's best sketches. It's called The Best of Chris Farley." — Lowe
"Peyton's here tonight to show Zika babies it could really be much worse." — Lowe
"Jewel has performed for the Pope. In fact, it's the reason the Pope always insists on being in a sound-proof glass box." — Lowe
"Your performance tonight was a fitting tribute to your dad because it was like watching the third plane hitting the World Trade Center." — Lowe on Davidson
"It's 56 days to Halloween. But I see that Ann Coulter is already in her skeleton costume." — Lowe
"A lot of people have asked why Ann Coulter is here. Because the right-to-lifers wanted everyone to see what an abortion looks like up close." — Lowe
"Ann, after your set tonight. We've all witnessed the first bombing that you can't blame on a Muslim." — Lowe
"Ralph Macchio. My old buddy. I never told you how amazing you were in that movie in the scene when you're beaten up in the park. Sadly that happened again last week. That's what happens when you sleep in the park." — Lowe
"Jeff Ross is a five-time honoree in Leukemia Face magazine." — Lowe
"I want to thank everybody for trying to get under my flawless skin." — Lowe
"[Getting roasted] by this cast of mutants — I'm sorr, Ann, racist mutants — it hit me, I didn't hit rock bottom 26 years ago. I hit rock bottom an hour and a half ago. How the f— did I end up here? I think it's because I stopped drinking. Well, that ends tonight. Because it's never too late to start making good choices. And by the way, if anybody's got blow, I'll meet you in the bathroom. I'm lookin' at you Peyton Manning." — Lowe
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